Dieter Bohlen finishes “DSDS”

If Mozart was still alive, Dieter Bohlen once said only half-jokingly: “he would do something similar to what I do.” This also applies to “Bach or Beethoven.” Bach, Beethoven, Bohlen – the macho from Tötensen doesn’t do that, he never did. Great pride? Desire to provoke addicted to success? In Bohlen, you never knew that for sure.

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But now it is over: after 18 seasons, the 67-year-old is the head judge of RTL, the child abuse party “Deutschland sucht den Superstar” as well as the related party “Das Supertalent”. The final of “DSDS” on April 3 will be his last. The new jury should “set new impetus,” RTL said. I thank Bohlen for his “significant contribution” to our long-term success. That sounds cool sober. You don’t have much to say anymore.

“You’ll be a fucking unsuccessful hairdresser all your life”

For nineteen years, as a painless defamatory dilettante (“You’ll be a fucking failed hairdresser all your life”) with a variety of pretty blondes by his side, he has humiliated this country’s youth all over the world – as a smiling obstetrician to various teens who have been turned into sex bombs, their names most of them Felling was history before the glitter confetti hit the studio floor. Aneta Sablik? Mehrzad Marashi? Alphonso Williams? Someone?

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But it was never about the music. Or talent. It was about conquering the rules of pop culture neoliberalism to beings trembling with ambition – which fit perfectly into the spirit of the nineties I-AG times, as well as a similar model event by Heidi Klum at Pro Sieben. The rules of the game were known to each participant at the latest from the second season: Do you want to go out into the light? So please! Then undress to the moral limit and be ready for public humiliation.

Naked will leads to the paradise of glory

Klum and Bohlen – both drill inspectors at their longtime TV camps, constantly tempt with false promises of naked will and aggressive performance ethos that lead straight to a celebrity paradise – as long as you bend down beyond recognition. And sometimes singing in a bikini. This turtle does not work if it brings people to light, who ultimately cannot keep their makers’ promise.

Second place in the ranking of the “100 most annoying Germans”: Dieter Bohlen as head judge for “Deutschland sucht den Superstar” (DSDS).

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“Could you please blow Dieter Bohlen up the ass as well?”

Bild sometimes reported on the front page of Bohlen’s “secret DSDS plans” in retro reporter font – as if it were a wonder weapon during World War II. There were times when Stefan Raab, as a guest on “Wetten, dass ..?”, Summoned Klischko boxers to fight the boards with a smile on the Rabigram ukulele (“Can you put Dieter Bohlen in the ass? He always writes the same songs / that’s why they break all his members “). It was hard to miss a man, born in 1953, who, from the farm of his parents, Hans and Edith Bohlen in Bern near Elsfleth, graduated from first class and second place in the blasphemous Pro-Sieben competition. annoying Germans “- after Daniel Kuelbock.

12.8 million people watched the first DSDS final in 2002, won by Alexander Klaws. Back then, people still thought they were witnessing a big career boom. It quickly became clear: a mistake. The route is the destination. After all, they watched three million. The 2020 finale brought the lowest ratings among young audiences in history (with the winner – well? – Ramon Roselly). “Machines to use people” are such programs, Marianne Rosenberg once scolded. As an adult, you have to ask yourself “what have we clogged our children’s brains with?” Soon after, she dutifully pasted it – as a well-paid judge of DSDS.

A sudden breakthrough as a lightning bolt escape from prefab houses, the poverty of the vocational school and the precariat

It was increasingly important for Bohlen that no other judge overshadowed him. So he sat down next to colorless and innocent prompters such as Nina Eichinger and Volker Neumüller. But his zenith as a figure of hype, as a court composer and chief zampano of the tabloid machine is long gone. RTL’s violin-covered confusion about the amorous tangles and selfish journeys of Ballermann’s clients disguised as pop stars seemed dated for years. Ironically, Bohlen, the icy exploiter of teenage dreams, has acted like an advocate for those who stand no chance for nearly two decades. Of course, that was always complete nonsense. His social-Darwinist understanding of culture, according to which the sudden breakthrough on the scene was a quick exit from the prefab, the poverty of the vocational school and the precariat, was just a useful lie.

Stupid ignorance: Dieter Bohlen in front of the

Stupid ignorance: Dieter Bohlen in front of the “Germany is looking for a superstar” logo.

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The Bohlen Principle (“You sound like Kermit if someone stands behind you”) is a thing of the past. “DSDS” symbolizes an image of a man who celebrates not the thirst for creative chaos, but a stupid and clever ignorance that at times has been very amusing as a generator of alien shame and a source of a good feeling that he is not as drunk and poor as the unfortunate Hascherl, standing on the studio star in front of the jury, holding a microphone in his hands and holding himself for God’s gift to mankind. “Supertalent”, a continuation of the nineteenth-century cabinet of curiosities using trash TV, also follows the laws of attention at all costs. Bohlen’s (financial) wealth has always been more important than the musical wealth of his pupils.

End of the social injection of poison

End of the Bohlen era. It is a social injection of poison that made everyday life in Germany brighter, sharper, painful and exhausting. “We have to be more drastic,” demanded in 2013 then-RTL entertainment boss Tom Sänger. He did it. Under the rule of Bohlen, “DSDS” and “Supertalent” lowered the limits of shame, broke the taste barriers, recognized entertainment as their primary advantage and broke all kinds of taboos. As a postmodern vaudeville show, they offered the stage for fake farts, penis painters, throat singers, gurgling water, and other bangers. One might be indignant at this, but indignation is useless.

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This fall, the 15th season of “Das Supertalent” will begin, the 19th season of “Deutschland sucht den Superstar” in January 2022. Both then without judges. 2021 is the year when the key heroes of the old Federal Republic say goodbye: Yoga Löw retires after almost 15 years as national team coach, Angela Merkel after 16 years as Federal Chancellor and Dieter Bohlen after 19 years as Federal Chancellor. it was time

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Disclaimer: In an earlier version of the text, we moved the farm of Dieter Bohlen’s parents in Bern near Elsfleth to East Frisia. This, of course, is in the Wesermarsch district.

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